Read in silence but never in despair
And wish me good luck

Friday, December 9, 2011

Hitam Putih






Sebelum terbang, izinkan saya berbahasa melayu.


Ramai atau tidak, bilangan bukan urusan. Tapi iulah mereka. Kawan yang aku akan kata
SELAMAT TINGGAL. 

Sudah tiba masanya untuk kita berangkat,rakan.

Sudah saatnya kita mencari apa yang selama ini kita pinta dalam hati.
Bukan dunia jadi taruhan,tapi biarlah akhirat yang menjadi tujuan.


Selama ini kita berjemaah,tapi hari esok kita Imamah. 
Imamah buat umat, Imamah buat hati-hati mereka yang masih bingung.


Maaf dan terima kasih semua kutuju buat saudara saudariku.

Siapa tahu hari esok ada
tanganmu yang menyambutku dari tergelincir.
Tergelincir untuk ke neraka.

Ya, itulah doa. Doa kalian buatku. Dan doaku buat kalian. Senjata kita, senjata paling rahsia.


Sudah tiba waktunya teman
Untuk kita keluar menyebarkan Salam

Bukan untuk menjadi makhluk yang kononnya sempurna, seolah untuk mempamer apa yang dilebihkan oleh Tuhan buat kita.

Tapi bersamalah mereka. Pautlah hati dan tangan mereka.
Bagaimana kau pernah membawa aku mengenal Tuhan,
mereka juga ingin merasa nikmat yang sama.




Ya, WAKTU itu anugerah Tuhan.
Tapi apa yang menghiasi waktu itu adalah kamu.
Di sini aku belajar percaya.







Pada Tuhan

Pada janji

Pada balasan

Pada keburukan

bukan 
pada KESEMPURNAAN








Kulihat cermin. Mata itu tidak lagi kesunyian seperti lima tahun yang lalu. 
Kina warnanya silih bertukar warna. 
Sedih menangis memberontak marah kemaafan anugerah tawa dan cinta. 
Kalianlah yang mengisi mata itu.






Kau ajarkan aku untuk menerima. 
Dan apa yang lebih bermakna, kau tunjukkan aku bagaimana untuk memberi.



Setiap detik,kisah kita tercatat. 
Bukan pada kertas kajang atau buku nota sains.


Tapi dalam hati. 



Buatku,jalannya belum pasti. Entah berduri, hujan mahupun matahari terik.

Mungkin waktu seperti itulah aku akan menangis.

Mengenang coretan lampau.










Kalau semalam aku bermimpi

Hari ini realiti menjelma.

Bukan tentang indahnya memori,tapi susahnya untuk mecipta memori yang sama seperti semalam.










Selamat tidur cerita semalam. 
Kerana aku ingin melukis di atas ruang yang masih kosong itu.



Thursday, December 1, 2011

Can I..?

Can I be strong?




How we've came this far. Yet we still need to say goodbye.

Will everything will be the same for the next ten years? 





Will you laugh at my jokes and would I be your crying shoulder like we used to?
 The songs we used to hum and laugh at the croaking chords. Will they still can be our songs?





Would you still remember my clumsiness and my silly habits?



Will you still remember my smiles and our secret handshakes?
Will you tell your children how you used to have a very plain girlfriend but yet she's stupid and ridicilous? 







Will you yet still tell me I'm the most beautiful
even though I know I'm not?









The prayers we used to request together in front of our Allah?


The days when you whisper me courages when I thought I cannot go on.






The days when we learn to accept and forgive.




 Would you still remember me in your prayers?






The way you patted our heart when any of us cry in pain? Would you still be there?






When there are the days when you fit the role of being my sisters when I don't have one. The role of my family when I missed them. The role of my teachers and nagged at my faults. 





All the motherly-advices you used to spread just to show me which way is perfect and which way is wrong?
Can I still hear them?





Will we look at each other the same way again?
Would our stares meet eye to eye when we meet again?







Would you still hear to my whines ever?
 Could you still be my pillow when I need a place to rant and shed tears?






Would you still believe in my sayings?
Do you will still lend me your ears and hearts to my words?







Our friendships aren't perfect. But yet you still appreciate them the way you hold it. 
But will time stand still?





How to be strong? When anything needs to be folded and keep it safe and soundly so delicately?







 How to be brave? 
 Not to shed tears for this farewell? 


I'd love you for a thousand years. Insyallah my sisters.


How can I say thank you enough? 
THANK YOU ALLAH for sending them to me. 





 

Friday, September 30, 2011

Birthday girl's sayings

THANK YOU for the best wishes. I don't have high hopes for a lavish celebration. Your prayers for my best are more than enough. Determined to live gracefully for what i've been fated to deserve, thank you Allah for letting me live till now. Birthday isn't there to be celebrated, it was there to remind how you should ask yourself how well do you have been settle in his very own world,eh?

I'm not here to act wise.
Maybe I can't create any kind of magic that somehow can dissect a rainbow

Because every part of me lingers the word 'plain'


Thanks again for all of you that wish me for my better day. Thank you for remembering my existence in this vast world. For noticing my invisibility. Even though I'm that transparent slowly all of you held out your hands and teach me to colour my self a little bit. May God bless people like you. For bring the slightest hints that i'm not a burdensome to you.

When i want to create my own room,you slowly unlocked my heart by remembering that humble day. Thank you. And thank you God, for teaching me to be kindly grateful in whatever happens. 


And for those who didn't even remember my birth date. I love you too. Because friends like you teach me how my life is simply not that perfect. For me how i'm being undone through our friendship.

You make me learn,how myself is not being good enough in treating you as friends. I'm sorry for my shortcomings. I'm sorry my habits and gestures make you enlist me as unimportant person. I'm sorry I make you forget. I'm the one who's wrong. I'm the one who deserve anything you served me for. 

Yet,I just want to tell you thank you for being there for my last birthday as a highschooler. 




  1. Insyallah Allah and prophet Muhammad p.b.u.h
  2. Mom dad family siblings. They're my very first sensei
  3. Friends-you girls are awesome enough ( I'm yearning to be thankful)
 HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MYSELF :)

Thank you Ummi for willingly endure the pain of introducing me to this land in that one fine day. The land of weird things happen.


Birthday isn't about cakes and celebrations. Nor wishes or presents. It's about the day where you should sit back and ask yourself, how did you spend all those years behind through ups and downs of the journey. On how much you appreciate life close to heart.
 




Saturday, September 24, 2011

The difference

You can count your passed days and reminiscing all the yesterdays and (you should) be grateful because up until now you still are able to inhale those dusty air and create another history of your own. You can close your eyes and smile or cry out of nowhere. You can follow your foot rhyme and dance while remembering the songs that lift your days into cloud nine. You can crush the mirrors and spit some harsh words for the the bygone that pissed you into hellish figure.

But you can never add or subtracts any fact that they had been part of your stories.Those cries and hurts.Those dull and phlegmatic seconds you need to kill and the otherwise jumpy moments.All the parts that you left behind are responsible enough making who you are right now. People are dressed by their histories and bygones because they do change and don't just simply ageing.

And what is more interesting is that future is never be there to be calculated. Human do expect and count on them to make him or her a better man. Never hold high hopes for everything will turn out the way you've planned. 

That's the fatal difference on what's making a journal or a diary.

Planner,holds various kind of  imaginative wisdoms to be finished and yet diary  carries all the finishing storyline of the day. And finished does not necessarily mean completed,instead it contain the meaning of ending of situations either they are successively done or the other way round.





Tomorrow never tell any truth 
but yesterday never let you lie about the truth.



Yesterdays are filled by varied colour
 but tomorrow is still empty and ready to be painted.



Tomorrow is the most mysterious evidence to be searched
And yet yesterday had been explored


Don't keen too much for tomorrow to arrive earlier than it had to be
Because once it done,you can never turn back (only look back)




So you can choose either to fill up your paper by arranging the words of yesterday or tomorrow :D



Monday, May 2, 2011

You are amazing



It takes one night. At least it wasn't for any exact occasion. But i feel like doing it.




To Mum with love,







 ...............................................................................................................




 Somehow i feel like to show the world,how you're the best. Your fingers fit the empty spaces between my fingers perfectly.


Sometimes I miss your nags and whines,at least that proven how your life is messy and unpredicted which makes me see how hard to be a diligent woman.







Back to the basic,somehow she can drives me crazy.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Alhamdulillah


The invisible tie that seems to connect us diminished.Poof!

There's no longer over protecting gestures-shield from your glares. At least,I'd feel free. Free to smile and laugh naturally.Free to dance on the spacious floor on my own.


Because there's no more you.You who examine all my steps.You who tell me to behave just by laying your eyes on me. You who make me damned nervous waiting for your approve nods. You who can control my body with your minds. You who make me lose my appetite. You who fill my dreams with utter nightmare (and waking up shouting your name). You who make my eyes secretly ogle onto you.    You who drove me dolorous when hearing any ballad lyrics. You who make me gone crazy.


You're the one who'd done it first.No.It was you.Obviously it was YOU. Only Allah knows how I manage to stay phlegmatic and motionless in your presence. When my heart is tumbling and rebelling.

The rest,is history.

Feel like flying and feel the hushed wind slamming my face gayly. They were all gone. For good I hope.



Thank you for telling me those,Allah. You knew how my soul fought so badly and how does it feel like winning after all these ups and downs. You whisper me your love.Thank you, thank you Allah.





Saturday, April 9, 2011

For the very least

Thanks to Fitrah Jaidon, for encouraged me to rebel in English again.I appreciated that when I'm the one who didn't trust my writings anymore. Thank you to all my friends. Who always tell me to go on,to continue my alphabets doodles.









Looking up to reach the sky, I ponder
Why? Why does it always end up like this?
When I thought I can change the world with my magic courage.
I thought I can do anything mere impossibles as long as i believe.
I thought I can spread my wings of my true colours and show the entire Earth I'm that great.
I thought I can resist all those fighters just by showing my fist.
I believe how this life is perfectly revolves around my circle of assumptions.






Hell no.




That's just too good to be true. When you're at home,you feel safe and secured.But once you step outside, only God knows where you should continue your footsteps onto.


Your tongue's frozen when you want to speak up your mind.Your head dizzily refuse to defense when somebody seems to turn you down. Your heart beat dangerously fast even though you practice those lines thousands of time.Your pride lower it's precious credibility when you have to face with sea of anonymous people. You try to hide yourself when limelight isn't the place to express yourself. Even when you have to speak to someone who'd been peeping in your dreams, your supposed-to-be natural act suddenly appears awkward.


Eventually you hate yourself for unable to do anything miraculous.









That's how it is.




I feel coward and frighten.Just look the way how life treats me. I have to figure something fast which currently suppose to be my identity just to fit in with reality. Slowly,i have to recreate my plans for my pathway. No matter how much tears i had shed,but i still, i have to move on.




Sometimes,there were bright days,but there are more days awaiting ahead of me.For better or worse, all I can do is to be brave. Brave to face hims and hers. Brave to face you and you.


And whenever my body trembles again,please give me space to cry.


No doubt why i keep lying to my feelings.When it hurts i smile.When it troubled my wrenching mind, i stay calm.When it makes me nervous so terribly,i try not to jump.


At times you find it hard to pretend.But when it became your second natural which flows down your vein, you became that person,who stupidly smile over problems and say to yourself,move.


Guess it's hard enough to cheer yourself up behind the wall,but once the veil reveals you on the stage,you have to continue acting.Act gracefully,for people's happiness.For their sake,just don't show them how hard your heart finding the solutions, how hard you've been getting ready to make them happy,until I realize i don't deserve anything precious.








Apparently,I start blaming myself.


For my clumsiness,for me being nobody.
And all i want,is to go home. Not a place where you call it house,nor your bedroom.
But somewhere homey where I can chant happily when nobody eyeing which judge by telling me how peculiar my easiness are. Home,where people accept me just the way i speak and behave. Just the way my heart tells and my mind thinks.
The place where someone you like,at least look you into your eyes. Not just walk away as he passed by you and look at her.










There was never a fairytale kind of dream. For the very least,each of us dream for our best. Glad that i can still breathe and say to you how I love you,even the journey is way too long and troublesome.





Saturday, March 19, 2011

Little encourage for me. Maybe yours as well

 Wait.hold on hold on.pause my youtube music player first.









Imagine within boundaries.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Easily impressed : me

 Just like a small kid who've been offered with a big round curve thing smelted in rainbow colouring-called lollipop.The next day you'll find out she believes in whatever you say.That's me.




 Little deeds can make me nervous
Small smiles can make my vessels vibrate
Scant compliments may make my cheek blush
Few attentions can make my mood cherish
Slight jokes can make my smile last longer 
Little helps can make me believe in you
Slow voices can make my heart craves for more
One simple question that show you care can make my day
Chirpy greetings can make my feelings at ease
Noticing my changings can make my soul jump
Seconds from some joyful moments can make my mind glee
Small offerings can turn my dead expression into life
Seldom worries on your face can me want to hug you and say thank you
A little bit curiosity in your talking can make my spirits boost
Minutes from time spending with you can make me feel day is too short
Listening what's on your mind feels like reading a magnificent fact in encyclopedia
Little willing on you behalf can make my senses go unsteady
Indescribable way you butter me up can make my cloudy days sunny
Some random supports can make me feels stronger
The way you watching me can make my behaviors gone unpredicted
A little bit of treats can enhance my affections
Few meaningful gestures can make me translate them in different ways








Okay i think i need my lunchbox right now.